There are post-it notes all over my desk with reminders to get people different British things, which feels kind of final and silly. Though my departure is four days away, I started packing tonight because packing to go home feels good. Prepare yourself for an introspective post!
The apartment I thought would work out did not, as the woman failed to mention the 10-year old child also living there. When she said “one other person will be sharing the apartment with you,” I suppose she wasn’t counting the child as a person. No worries, because I get to live with Becky and Andrew in the 140s & St. Nicholas starting June 1st! It’s a bit far from the job I’m hoping to get, but ultimately it will be a better situation in a million ways. I can bike to Columbia whenever I get the sundial blues. (Anyone who’s sat on the sundial in the middle of the night when the campus is dead has probably experienced the sundial blues, followed by the feeling that maybe you do belong at Columbia after all. Or maybe that’s just me?) All I know is that I’m going to Columbia as soon as possible so I can sit on the steps and breathe my air again. Yes, I love and miss Columbia that much, despite my frequent complaining about its various inadequacies.
I guess since my last few days in London will revolve around packing, shopping, and preparing for summer, there won’t really be any more updates. It feels like a brief and strange chapter of my life is ending. Summer is starting to solidify, but I’m still afraid to go back and see people I haven’t seen in months. I’ve kept in touch with mostly high school people and a few people from Columbia, but most people fell out of the picture somewhat for the last several months. It’s terrifying to think that we’re going into our senior year, and a lot of my friends are actually about to graduate this month. College has gone by insanely fast and I think the regret of not being there to experience one of very few remaining semesters was a large part of what made me really depressed early on in this semester
My first two months abroad there was rarely a day I wasn’t hysterically crying for any number of reasons or sometimes for no reason at all. It was probably the most depressed I’ve ever felt. London’s weather was not conducive to happiness, either. I was lucky to have a few epically amazing friends handy on Skype to keep me from shutting down completely, though I kind of regret not really trying to make friends here. I was half-assed about it. My heart wasn’t really in anything until March.
I’ve spent several years working hard to convince myself that I don’t need anyone but me to get by, and I guess this semester made me realize that needing other people around isn’t a weakness. Having spent so much of this semester sleeping and being lazy, I’m also incredibly motivated. I want to take a million classes at once and work five jobs just to feel like I am a productive member of society again. I want to do everything this summer. (Learning guitar is top on my list.) The UK learning style completely blew my mind, and I’m ready to get back to doing real work at America’s #2 Most Stressful College. Overall, I would repeat this semester again, so I guess it was not all in vain. When else will I get the chance to travel all over Europe so easily? Probably never. I’m happy to say I took advantage of most of the opportunities presented to me this semester. I saw, experienced, and grew enough to make it all worthwhile. I’d like to think I’m coming home as an ‘adult’, but I think since I still say that word in a droning British accent (ahh-dolt) I may no be quite there yet. That’s okay. Growing up sucks, anyway!
I’ve also realized in being away that I have yet to encounter a place I feel more like myself in than New York City. Call it dirty, crowded, loud, rude, and dangerous all you want, but that damn crazy city is the only place I want to be. I’ve also gotten really defensive and appreciative of America.
My favorite part of the flight back from London to JFK is when Manhattan appears in the windows as we land. I’m fairly certain it will be a sobfest when I see that skyline for the first time in five months, but for once it’ll be a sobfest of the positive kind. I’m pretty tired of crying for negative reasons. Time tends to erase all those negative feelings about the past, though, so I’m sure I’ll eventually look back on this semester and remember only the good points. I might even miss London, despite calling it a city full of assholes for so long, among other horrible things. Hm.
Hopefully you’ve enjoyed my adventures and non-adventures this semester. Kind of in the languages of the various countries I visited: Adiós! Tschüß! Ciao! Au revoir/Salukes! Geia! Cheerio!
— Lauren
